Unworthiness and Entitlement

Do most people not feel the constant tension of unworthiness and entitlement? I feel it in almost all fields of my life.

I feel like I deserve $900,000 a year, yet I'm far less grateful and motivated at my job than people who earn less than me. I want an incredible partner yet I am greedy and selfish with my time, not out there finding and investing in my dream woman. I want a perfect body but I order a pizza because I'm lazy and a slave to my taste buds. I want to be praised but I'm not consistent, hard-working, or talented enough to do anything praiseworthy. I want to be enlightened but I don't have the willpower to maintain a 5 minute daily meditation habit. I want to be godly but I procrastinate on picking up the bible. I want wisdom yet watch YouTube instead of read books.

I want to be special but I am all-around mediocre. And worse than the mediocrity is that I can't accept my place. If I had a realistic expectation - my mediocre exertion deserves mediocre rewards - I would be incredibly pleased with what life has given me. Life has given me far more than I have earned or deserved. And yet I still can not maintain a heart of gratitude for it all. I still look on my neighbors with envy. I still look at happy couples with jealousy. I internally (and now, externally) whine of the unfairness.

It feels very immature. I want to increase my gratitude, lower my entitlement, increase my resilience to doing what must be done. I genuinely want to lounge around all day every day without being productive, and get paid a fortune for it. I know it's a fantasyland pipe dream but it is how I actually feel.